A Memoir of Abhayagiri Buddhist Monastery

Today I had lunch with a friend I met last year when I stayed at Abhayagiri Buddhist Monastery. It made me think of my time there and inspired this memoir.

Why Would a Lawyer in Training Want to Spend Time with Buddhist Monks?

I first visited Abhayagiri in the Summer of 2011. I was in my second year of law school and was desperately seeking some way to reduce the suffering I was feeling from being in such an unfulfilled and unhappy environment as law school. I decided that I had tried hard enough finding enjoyment in my career, and that it was time to start thinking seriously about looking about joining a spiritual community. I had enjoyed being a part of Common Ground Meditation Center in Minneapolis and doing residential retreats and visiting monasteries. So I thought how much cooler would it be to actually live at a monastery as a monk.

Carving of Ajahn Chah on the Abhayagiri Loop Trail

I decided to start looking around for monasteries, and I kept coming back to Abhayagiri as the best choice for me. Thailand seemed cool, but it was too far and would provide too many challenges in learning both Thai and the customs of the monks. Other Ajahn Chah branch monasteries were also too far away. Why go searching across the world when I had a perfectly good community in California at Abhayagiri?

So I decided to book a two week stay. I did not come with many expectations, and had a great time. So I thought that going back and celebrating having graduated from law school would be even better. I apparently didn't realize that this expectation would cause a lot of suffering later.

The Start of my Two Month Stay

When I arrived at Abayagiri the second time I was tired. I had already finished law school two months before, but I still felt heavy because I did not really have any long term career options that I was pursuing. Even though I did this intentionally, it put me in a position that I was very unfamiliar with: for once in my life I didn't have a clear plan for the future. However, I thought what better place to live in the present moment than at a Buddhist Monastery?

There was just one problem though. This time instead of coming to Abhayagiri with no expectations, I unknowingly expected it to be as I had remembered it. I forgot the eternal rule of life: all things are impermanent.

Although I saw some familiar faces the two people I grew closest two during my stay were back at their own homes living their lives. I did not think too much of this at first, because I was just trying to get oriented to my new surroundings. But it was hard, it took my a while to get used to the people there. Not because the people weren't cool, it was because they weren't what I had expected.

My Home Away from Home

I was happy to be there. But I soon faced one of the first noble truths pretty quickly, the third morning I woke up sick. I felt so weak and had diarrhea. I had no idea what could have happened. One of the monks suggested that I probably was weakened from all the driving I did to make it up there. Whatever it was, it went away pretty quickly. But I next had to deal with other kinds of inconveniences. 

Ethereal Mountain Cloud Forest

Accommodations

I loved the little hut I lived in, the dimensions were small, probably 8 feet long seven feet wide with a peaked ceiling probably fourteen feet high from the top. It had everything I needed, it kept the heat out during the day and kept the drafts out during the night. Protected me from insects, and from the wild animals that roam around the forest (foxes, mountain lions, and bears!). It was a secluded spot, very quietly. The only downside was that it didn't have a toilet nearby, or a water spigot. I had to walk 5 minutes to use the facilities in the main cloister area. 

The Main Facilities (Cloister)

It was also the only hut in that area of the property, which was pretty scary at times knowing during the pitch black nights when the moon had yet to rise that the nearest person was a 15 minute hike away from you. 

I have to admit to being scared every night and every morning I was there for those two months. 

Full Moon

However, I managed to stir up the courage to face the darkness each morning. I had purchased a pretty good lantern before I got there, so that provided me some solace. 

Things that Bugged Me

What was harder to get over were the insects. They did not bother me too much at first, but then we started clearing out an area of the property where new huts were being built. Its easy to forget how much the forest belongs to the other creatures just as much as it does to you. When we cleared out these areas it seemed like everyday someone was getting serious insect attacks, bees, fleas and mosquitoes were common. It was fine at first, but having to be in that environment day after day started to take its toll on me. I had nothing in the world to worry about, so my mind started to focus on the insects. I would get so annoyed at times. I never killed any, but I did suffer a lot. However, I soon forgot about the insects when people started coming down with posion oak. 

Getting Poaked

The undeveloped portions of the monastery are covered with poison oak. I had never before had exposure to it. In fact it seemed like I was immune to it at first. But soon after I started working in the undeveloped area, I became increasingly sensitive to it. It seems like everyday I'd come down with some kind of rash, even after I used poison oak soap. Its silly to think about now, but I was so angry at that. I thought, boy I came here to relax and try to repair the damage to my face caused by those years of stress in law school. Now my face is going to be scarred by mosquito bites and posion oak rashes!

A Rare Non-Poison Oak Meadow

Meditation

At this point you must be wondering, well what about the meditation  Isn't that why people go there? Yes, I was getting some serious meditating done, anywhere from two to eight or more hours of formal sitting or walking practice per day. By the end of the second week there I was experiencing very blissful states, where I could just walk and feel like I were walking on clouds. But as soon as I encountered anyone, it would pop my bubble. I'd pick up the idea of my self, I'd become self conscious, and get entangled  as the Buddha says, in the web of self identity views. 

So I did enjoy my  meditation immensely  but that was not the main reason I went. I came to Abhayagiri because I wanted to be a part of a community. I wanted to put aside my pettiness, my concern for myself, and learn to be a part of a bigger thing. That definitely happened at time, but I realize now that my individuality has been so conditioned in me to be seen as fundamental that even I felt somewhat stifled at Abhayagiri with its rituals and rules of decorum. I did not let this get me down though, I spent every day meditating or studying.

My Meditation and Yoga Spot

What Did I Learn?

The quality of my meditation definitely waxed and waned. Some days it seemed like I was close to enlightenment; about to break through the wall of the mundane and realize the supreme goal. Other moments I struggled with restlessness, desire, anger, craving, annoyance, bitterness, self rebuke, fear, and all the dark emotions that we like to run away from in everyday life. So I can not say there was an individual moment where I broke through, had an earth shattering insight into the nature of reality. 

What I did gain was a deeper familiarity with the patterns of my mind. I saw what tactics my mind thinks up to distract myself from unsatisfactoriness, or even recognizing that I was feeling unsatisfied. I saw how much peace is possible without getting wrapped up in self identity views, and I learned how to not pick it up when its not helpful. 

Will I Become a Monk?

I would like to ordain at some point in my life. Unfortunately the conditions are not right for me to do so. Although I can see myself ordaining somewhere when I am 35, when I do it, it will be temporarily. I just don't think I can life the rugged life of a forest monk for long. Similarly living a life as a monk in a city does not appeal to me very much either because it seems so undisciplined, I might as well stick to being a lawyer. It seems like being a lay person is the best choice for me. I think I made the right decision to go to law school after all: probably the biggest shock to me of all. 

My Monk Friends

Summary

The highlights of Abhayagiri:

• Learning from some of the most experienced and dedicated Western Buddhist masters in the world
• Meditation for hours on end!!!
• Doing work with your hands
• Feeling a part of a community that shares your values
• Meeting cool new people
• Learning about a different culture
• Eating of the best food in the world
• Accommodations are comfortable
• Everything is offered freely

A Fox on the Trail

The downsides:

• No ingesting anything thicker than strained juice in afternoon. This is a training rule to promote wakefulness, reduce desire for mindless pleasure seeking in food, and ease the burden on the community that supports the meditators.
• Hard to get to, remote location.
• Lifestyle hiking, working, sitting for long is hard on the knees. My knees are still recovering and a lot of the monks have chronic knee problems. Nevertheless, you are encouraged to use a chair if sitting on the ground is uncomfortable.
• Hugs between men or touching people of the opposite sex seems to be unofficially discouraged. Although no one will tell you not to, only the monks do not hug women. 
• Gender relations come from a different culture, which seem can sometimes seem backwards. To Abhayagiri's defense, they respect nuns and women mediators, and go out of their way to accommodate women who are allowed to stay there.  
• Lots of biting bugs and poison oak. There are far worse annoyances in regular life though. 
• Daily schedule is difficult for disabled, ill, or elderly people to keep up with.

Redwood Valley

All things considered spending two months there was a tremendous benefit to me. Yes there are downsides, but the attitude at the monastery is that the hardships help you to train your mind. Restraint may not always be the most joyful way to practice, but it leads to a long term strengthening of the mind, mental discipline, and morality. 

I can say now with confidence that I would not rather be anywhere else in life than where I am now. I feel confident with my decision to go to law school, confident with my decision to skip the first bar and try to live like a monk and confident about picking my career back up again. 

Back to City Life

I'm Definitely in my Zone: Selflessness and Flow in MBSR, Zen Buddhism, and Karma Yoga

Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), Zen Buddhism, and Karma Yoga (as described by the Bhagavad-Gita) on a superficial level, seem like very different practices.  However, at least one central theme is inferable from these practices: effortlessness in activity.  This effortlessness can also be described as being in a flow state, or a sense of absorption in activity so that negative emotions such as doubt and anxiety fall aside.  This is state is correlated with a withdrawl of the sense of self.

MBSR can be described as allowing experience to be, this is accomplished by learning how to surf the waves of thought, perception, and sensations. Eventually the process becomes effortless, and the meditator simply becomes the observer, and allows the sense of self to dissolve. This is described by Jon Kabat-Zinn as like watching a waterfall in the crevice behind it. Intimately close to the waterfall, but out of the torrent of the experience.

Zen practice, as represented by several koans, stresses less the turning inwards on the mind but emphasizes awareness in everyday activity.  In Buddhist terms, this emphasis is on right effort, effort that is used towards staying in the present moment, effort used to turn awareness to the present moment.  This is distinguished from what could be called unskillful effort.  For example in Paul Reps, Zen Flesh, Zen Bones, he relays the koan of Tozan’s three pounds.  In this koan a Zen master when asked what is Buddha, responds “this flax weighs three pounds.”  (Reps 105).  Rather than engaging in intellectual theorizing the Zen master simply demonstrates what the correct effort in the present moment is; for him it was staying with his activity of weighing flax.  This approach avoids the pull of the mind that wants to pin down and understand concepts at the intellectual level when its unnecessary, and not helpful to do so. The part of the mind that thinks in planning, step taking, studying ways, usually applies too much effort to the situation.  This is why the Zen master rejects this approach as a part of her spiritual practice.  For example, when the student asks his master whether the path can be studied, the master says that studying will make the path far away and that the path does not belong to perception or non perception.  (105).  In Zen practice the effort is just in staying with experience as it arises, without making intellectual effort, but effort is still applied to the activity.  Nevertheless, that effort places you “in the same freedom as sky.”  (105).  Which feels light and effortless because the thinking and planning sense of self has been let go of.  The process of living happens without that self that gets tired and world weary.

Although I am not an expert on Vaishnavism, significant parallels can be drawn from MBSR and Zen Buddhism.  In the Bhagavad-Gita Krishna exhorts Arjuna to practice Karma Yoga by carrying out his caste duty without regard for the results.  (Prabhavananda 40).  Carrying out this effort, however, requires that one surrender to their ego, free oneself from “hankering after happiness”, free oneself from anger, as well was all things of desire.  (42).  In Karma Yoga this process is carried out by giving up all regard for the results of actions, and meditation.  By doing so the small sense of self, atman, merges with the universal oneness of God, Brahman, and that person can truly know peace, free from desire.  (44).  Although, probably poetic, the description of enlightenment that results from the practice of Karma Yoga could be said to be effortlessness in experience because there is no longer an individual to exert effort.

All three of these traditions encourage individuals to drop conceptualization and take up activity just for the sake of the activity.  MBSR stresses this more so in formal meditation, but also encourages daily mindfulness, as does Zen Buddhism.  In these practices activity becomes the central focus of awareness, so that thoughts of self fall away and the awareness of the object becomes purer, more enjoyable.  Similarly, Karma Yoga requires this constant mindfulness so that the yogi can drop attachment to gain, pleasure, etc. from their activities and in this way drop clinging to the ego.  One result from these practices is a state of flow, or being in the zone.

Whether or not there is, or should be more, to a spiritual practice, or end goal of religion is a bigger question that won't be discussed here.  But surely any practice that did not encourage and provide tools for getting into flow states regularly, would seem lacking because the state of flow is so enjoyable. 

Wherever You Go There You Are: A Review

Kabat-Zinn’s Message to the Beginning Meditator

In meditation circles there are a handful of books seasoned practitioners refer beginners to, Jon  Kabat-Zinn’s Wherever You Go There You Are is one of them, and for good reason.  Kabat-Zinn developed the system of practice known as Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, based on eastern meditation practices.  In this book he essentially lays out the basics of that practice and theory in an easy to read guide for anyone with an interest in the subject of meditation.  This review will discuss what beginning meditators will most likely find of value in Kabat-Zinn’s work, and discuss portions of the book that readers might want to take more lightly.

Helpful Meditation Instructions

Wherever You Go There You Are is split into three sections.  An introduction section with more of an emphasis on the state of mind or attitude with which to bring to meditation practice; a practical session with detailed instruction for a variety of meditation practices, and accompanying postures; and finally a much more philosophical exposition of how meditation and mindfulness practice fits into the world.  Beginning meditators will likely find the first two sections on attitude and practice most useful.

     Paradox of Practice

In terms of attitude, Kabat-Zinn stresses the paradox of practice.  Although most activities in life are propelled by an expectation of getting somewhere or something in the end, meditation is not one of those.  The reviewer found that Kabat-Zinn’s instructions to let go of trying to get anywhere at all, were particularly helpful.  (16).  The pull of cultural forces emphasize a constant need to be a better person, to get somewhere in life, but Kabat-Zinn emphasizes to “let things be just as they are”.  (98).  This line of thinking is a good first step in subduing the greedy tendency of the mind to accomplish and conquer.

     Don’t Look for Anything

Of course Kabat-Zinn gives helpful advice on precisely how to allow things to be just as they are, “Sit down and enter into your breathing, if only for a few minutes. Don’t look for anything. . . .”.  (99).  This reviewer has found that bringing a few moments of mindfulness to any situation, especially the unsatisfying ones, adds a dimension of sanity and reasonableness that can become the foundation for a state of wellbeing.
Put the Welcome Mat in Front of the Meditation Cushion
Another useful aspect of the practice laid out by the author is the emphasis on bringing awareness to whatever experience arise in the mind, without added baggage, “If you put the welcome mat out for them and investigate their qualities and let them be, you may learn a lot about what is strong and unwavering in yourself.”  (126).  Not only does this practice calm the mind, but it has the power to transform situations that would have drained all the meditator’s psychic energy, and allow them to see that whatever comes up is just fine.

     Trust in Awareness

Finally, in all of this Kabat-Zinn reminds us, as the title of the book suggests, that where ever you are, just trust in that.  You do not need to ask “’is this what is supposed’ to happen”.  (130).  Rather, you can learn to trust your awareness.  In meditation, all that you really need to know can be found in this experience of the body, in this breath, in this moment.

Less Helpful Teachings

Although Wherever You Go There You Are is a great book for beginning meditators, they should keep in mind not to take everything the author says at face value.  Examples of unhelpful meditation structure include concepts that are too vague and amorphous to be useful.  These concepts are not necessarily vague but Kabat-Zinn seems to dodge the doctrinal underpinning of these teachings, which make them easier to understand.  The reason is most likely because he wants to avoid association with new-age thought, or that he wants to be seen as more impartial to Buddhism.

Teachings on Karma

What Kabat-Zinn explains as karma can just as easily be attributed to neurological conditioning. (222). He avoids discussing that even single actions in the past can ripen into later occurrences.  He also avoids any discussion of rebirth, which is essential to the philosophy of Karma in both Buddhist and many Hindu sects.  On the other hand, some contemporary teachers argue that the Buddha taught rebirth as a metaphor, Kabat-Zinn may be advocating for this approach in his work.

Eachness and Suchness

It seems that Kabat-Zinn attempts to describe emptiness using  the zen notions of suchness. (230).  Interestingly he relies more heavily on passages from wise men of the past in this section than in any others, probably because he realizes that his explanation of something as profound as he is attempting to explain will always fail as a result of the inadequacies of language.  But, the biggest problem of this section is that the short quotations are so ambiguous that can be interpreted really any direction, can seem contradictory, and at worst may look like nonsense.  For example, “the chickadee hops near to me.” And midnight. No waves; no wind, the empty boat is flooded with moonlight” could be simply describing in a poetic way, an image.  A more philosophical rendering could be that the chickadee and the observer are one but second quote could be taken to mean that we are all without an essential self.  So its very unclear and without further exposition, simply confusing especially to a beginning meditation student.

Lake and Mountain Meditations

Although some readers might find that the addition of the visualization heavy meditations on the lake and mountain useful,  The reviewer found these meditations resulted in an undisciplined proliferation of mental imagery rather than a stable steady continuity of mindfulness.

Too Many Meditation Tools

Finally, in a point related to the previous note Kabat-Zinn was perhaps a little over-ambitious in including so many different techniques in this single book.  Any single meditator could be overwhelmed with knowledge, and find herself jumping from technique to technique.  Although Kabat-Zinn warns against this, (197) the warning is somewhat hidden and is made in connection with looking for special experiences.  The bigger concern is that jumping from technique to technique can simply happen because a meditator thinks that is what is needed to practice stillness.  On a related note the reviewer would have liked to see a more robust explanation in the introductory section about the necessity of having a good meditation teacher.


In Defense of Kabat-Zinn

Kabat-Zinn likely had convincing reasons to leave in these more philosophical forays into karma and emptiness.  Admittedly the practice seems really incomplete without some discussion of this.  Further, Kabat Zinn likely sees through his experience that yogis need some idea of what to do once they have been meditating for a while and still feel lost in the world.  This philosophical underpinning in the book can give them some direction of wholesome avenues of life direction.


Conclusion

Wherever You Go There You Are is a stimulating and wholesome read.  New meditators will find a systematic, but not dogmatic, method of practice.  As a more experienced meditator I found the book to be a refreshing look at the basics.  I still find myself getting caught proliferating on events in my life that I find to be unfair, and lapse into really greedy or deluded mind states.  But if I practiced everything that Kabat-Zinn teaches in this book with more regularity, those mind states would soon become less appealing to me and eventually no longer bother me.

Social Media Helping People Become “Givers of Everything”: My Experience with CouchSurfing

When you hear of yet another social media site popping up its easy to put the mental spam filters up, but when I heard about a site that allowed travelers to connect with like minded people and give them a place to stay, it really peaked my interest for its huge potential to generate a lot of goodness in the world. 

In the Kindatta Sutta the Buddha implied that giving residence is the highest of mundane gifts. “A giver of food is a giver of strength. A giver of clothes, a giver of beauty. A giver of a vehicle, a giver of ease. A giver of a lamp, a giver of vision. And the one who gives a residence, is the one who is a giver of everything. . . .” (SN 1.42).

Giving a residence, even if just temporary has the power to generate a lot of good energy. It is one of the reasons why I love hosting guests, but if you're like me, out in the Midwest away from the popular coasts, its not so often that people already in my CA based social network want to come visit. Thats where CouchSurfing comes in.

CouchSurfing allows users to set up profiles, like most sites, allowing users to expound on their personalities, but the unique feature of couch surfing is that it allows users to talk about the space they have available for other users to stay in. People then can search other users based on their location, ability to host, interests, etc.  and email to request to stay. 

For many the prospect of spending the night at a complete stranger’s or allowing a complete stranger to stay in one’s own home may seem extremely scary. After all, both host and couch surfer are making themselves vulnerable to abuse: stalking, violence, or just plain awkwardness. 

However, I find something really quite beautiful about the exchange. In a very real, concrete and direct way it allows people to open their lives to others. In many cultures it is considered a great honor to host a weary traveller. Some Hindus believe that a guest is a form of god and should be treated as such, even when they are not personally known. However, in this modern age where we are daily bombarded with stories of the cruel and degrading treatment humans can perpetuate on each other, most people have lost the sense of humanity that would welcome a weary traveller in need of a place to sleep into their home.  CouchSurfing seeks to change all this. 

More than simply giving people a free stay, it is about transforming the world into becoming a more understanding place and fostering personal growth. The potential for cultural exchange is huge. Not to mention that it supports a bedrock of spiritual practice: generosity.

My personal experience with CouchSurfing has been very enjoyable thus far. My first guest was a young woman for Iowa who was in town for just a night. At first I was a little nervous and apprehensive because I felt a little busy at the time and didn't think that it would be a great stay because of it. I could tell my guest was a little nervous too, but after we talked and put each other at ease I felt genuinely happy to have her around. My girlfriend and I took her out around town and tried to treat her like family. Looking back it was a very joyful time, and I very much look forward to hosting more people through CouchSurfing. I recommend others looking to explore ways to open your life and practice generosity try it out too.

Teachings from a Venerable Monk and Former Midwest Lawyer: Review of Questions from the City- Answers from the Forest by Ajahn Sumano Bhikkhu

There are only a handful of books that I read with such captivating interest as Ajahn Sumano’s Q&A book. I first heard of Ajahn Sumano while perusing through Youtube videos, I watched one of the Ajahn Chah videos and saw a video titled “Monk in the Mountain” in the sidebar. That video relayed a portion of the life story of this monk and contained compelling and novel answers to some of the basic and more intermediate questions in Buddhism- what is happiness, what do I when I see through the emptiness of materialism.

Ajahn Sumano graduated from law school in Chicago (not sure which) and was a successful businessman before giving up the worldy life and donning the robes. But what is more fascinating than his life story are AS’ teachings. Throughout the book AS takes great care to provide answers not fashioned solely from Buddhist texts and doctrine, but rather from insightful and personal life experience. The depth of his wisdom echoes in aphorisms such as: “simplicity is sanity” and “You have to remember that whatever you do, wherever you go, you go there and do it with the mind as is.“

AS reiterates throughout the book that most people do not understand the real meaning of Dukha or stress/suffering because most people have no idea of how much of their live is spent floundering in unskillful mental states such as doubt and anxiety. He criticizes the conventional world for promoting outward knowledge and ignoring or giving short shrift to the importance of the cultivation of inner wisdom. He even sometimes refers to it, in the strongest terms, as a conspiracy (he uses this term in another book Monk in the Mountain), or at least an ultimately incorrect conventional understanding. For example when a student asked why bother meditating when the mind spins wildly Ajahn Sumano answers that a meditator should not be discouraged from the thought that it is a waste of time because time does not exist. AS says once one trains themselves in this way the mind will automatically begin to settle down and will learn to more effectively deal with agitation and disturbance in the mind. This makes practical sense and also corresponds with the axiom in neuroscience: “neurons that fire together wire together.”

The difficulty in reading Questions from the City is that AS' perspective is so unconventional and goes against the grain so much that you may have to take (if you accept at all) some of his propositions on respect for his authority, especially his opinions on karma and rebirth. Nevertheless, even those who do not believe in rebirth can also interpret his rhetoric as encouraging mediators to abandon their preconceptions about the cycle of life and death. Another core theme throughout this book is to encourage sincere inquiry into the reality of life, without extra desires, anxieties, or delusions. AS’ wisdom reminds the reader to abandon their preconceived notions on what meditation should be, and even how life should be, and instead just  focus on understanding the fundamental truths of life: all experience is inconstant.

In all this is more of a perspective widening book rather than a meditation manual. I strongly encourage Questions from the City- Answers from the Forest to anyone interested in reading a perspective from a meditator who clearly has a tremendous experience and wisdom. 

Almost Everything You Wanted to Know About the Thai Forest Tradition

I really like this website, http://wanderingdhamma.wordpress.com/

It is a blog developed by Brooke Schedneck, a Ph.D. candidate at Arizona State University. Her scholarship revolves around her personal experiences at meditation centers westerners frequent in Thailand. It is an intriguing blog that in a very true to life way captures what daily life is like a meditation monastery, beyond the doctrine and spoken teachings. There is a lot to learn from the different styles of teaching at the centers Brooke visits, I would recommend this site to anyone interested in learning more about the Thai Forest Tradition or Buddhist expats.

"Meditation: a new [sic] practice for lawyers"

A good article from the California Bar about increasing attention from the legal community on meditation: Meditation: a new practice for lawyers

Apparently Supreme Court Justice Breyer meditates regularly, very cool.